Fighting For Connection
FIGHTING FOR CONNECTION
How do you and your loved ones stay connected in the midst of conflict? Well, I wanted to give some insight into how Lisa and I are learning to process conflict and fight for connection. It’s kind of like pulling weeds …
These last few weeks, for example, have been hectic for us. We had twice as many coaching appointments. Coaching sessions are beautiful opportunities to invest in others, and they help us in our own personal growth, but they can be emotionally draining as well. Also, Lisa was experiencing anxiety over an issue with a dear friend. She was in self-protection mode, afraid of possible rejection. Add to that a conference I attended over the weekend, which took more than 35 hours of my time. Sleep-deprived and overwhelmed, Lisa and I had the perfect recipe for a volcano to explode and it started with a few testy exchanges. It sort of reminded me of the Tasmanian Devil from the Looney Tunes, furiously twirling around in our lives, creating emotional chaos and havoc in his wake.
One of the powerful lessons I’ve learned in life is we always have a choice when we feel emotionally depleted. When I find myself feeling disconnected with Lisa, I ask myself, “How am I choosing to deal with conflict right now? Am I fighting for connection, or am I numbing and stuffing my emotions?” Take a recent exchange between Lisa and me thirty minutes before one of our Dating Discovery class sessions. Despite the tension and the emotional jabs, we functioned through the class just fine, but following the class, we took time to process our hearts.
What does that look like? I find it’s best to begin our time reconnecting by snuggling for 20 minutes or so. This is my way of affirming my love for her. Then we might discuss a relatively easy topic where we are more or less in agreement. This aids in our communication and makes it easier to talk about the more difficult issues at hand. Then I simply listen. I don’t try to fix her problem. As my wife will attest, I am a wonderful problem solver, but I want Lisa’s heart to feel valued and known, and the only way I can convey this to her is by simply asking a few questions to help in her processing and my understanding. It’s super important to let her know that I’m there for her.
In that particular moment, simply me being present allowed her heart to feel safe, and she began opening up. What followed was a beautiful moment of connection. She admitted she felt disconnected and triggered and didn’t know how to communicate her feelings with me. While I’m not giving the specifics of our conversation, know that I deeply love my wife, and I would rather know the painful, hurtful things that are bothering her with the intent to remain in connection instead of ignoring them to protect myself from possible rejection. I have learned that by actively listen to one another and seeking true understanding, we are making a conscious choice to love, to comfort, and to take care of each other’s hearts.
You, just like Lisa and I, are powerful human beings. We are not victims. We don’t have to numb out or blow up when we feel triggered or hurt. We can, with continued practice and a willingness to learn and seek understanding, stay connected through the midst of conflict. In that beautiful resolution with Lisa, we were able to bring issues to light and deal with them before they became more explosive and destructive. In hindsight, I recognize that I played small over the proceeding few weeks, choosing to put off conversations where I felt resistance. I realize I could have been more proactive in setting aside time to communicate with Lisa through our hectic schedule, but we are continually improving in this area. We can always learn from our mistakes and be more intentional with processing our hearts in real-time. It is the only way we can maintain a healthy marriage. It’s like pulling weeds in the garden to give the beautiful, violet roses and yellow carnations opportunities for growth and nurturing.
As I’ve learned the hard way, CONNECTION with your partner is more important than CORRECTION or resolution in the moment. In short, I’ve decided to daily practice connection with my heart and with Lisa’s before we discuss any of our issues. I never want to be in a place to fight for my position, but rather to fight for our connection.